In Sanity We Trust
Diversions: Medical Mayhem
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my
stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her under- wear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my
husband was alive."
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked,
"So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Medical Notes from Patient Charts
"The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he
coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days."