In Sanity We Trust

Diversions: Metaphors Found in NSW (Australia) Year 12 English Essays:

It's difficult to be certain of the validity of some of the shit that comes in the mail, but anyway, here goes.....

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of thirty years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

McBride fell twelve storeys, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.



New Workplace Vocabulary

1. TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

2. BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

3. SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh*ts on everything, and then leaves.

4. ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

5. SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

6. CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

7. PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion or birthday because there may be cake.)

8. MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

9. SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

10. STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

11. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the sh*t out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

12. ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

13. 404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

14. OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').