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Diversions: The Roaming Werewolf

Robert Cardy introduces the phenomenon of the roaming werewolf and implications for the wolf-in-residence in the urban setting.

The werewolf not in possession of an ordinary human body is said to be a roaming werewolf. The roaming werewolf is incapable of being alone, which is why it habitually resorts to inhabiting the most built up areas of vastly populated cities such as ours. So long as the roaming werewolf is in the city alongside us it must seek out company, exercise its charm, practise its allure: its dazzling charisma enables it to move freely among us, for such are its powers of hypnotic enchantment, we literally cannot see it for what it is; inevitably we succumb to its irresistible attraction and there is bloodshed. Because the roaming werewolf must maul and revel in gore, eventually; even if today most werewolves prefer to gainsay their anthropophagic propensities and in many cases will go to great lengths to transcend them the fact is somewhere along the line their fangs cannot help but sink into human throats and rend and mangle. Rending and mangling appear to be preprandial characteristics but in reality they constitute the middle phase in the roaming werewolf's digestive process: smelling and stalking enact the true initiatory phase, chomping and gorging the finale. No further digestion is required as the roaming werewolf produces no waste; everything it eats is preserved inside it, adding to its monstrous bulk and aiding it in producing a literally stunning, or paralysis-inducing, halitosis. The horribleness of the roaming werewolf's breath is measured in units known as limbergerskunks. A mature roaming werewolf is capable of producing an eructation, or snoutfart, of thirty thousand limbergerskunks; the average human nervous system is unable to sustain consciousness when exposed to a stench exceeding one thousand limbgsk. The roaming werewolf which makes no attempt to contradict its innate appetite is called the simple roaming werewolf; that which, while also making no attempt to reform its diet yet while claiming to want to do so, is called the compound roaming werewolf; that which is successful in foregoing totally and permanently the usual bestial frenzy of rending, mangling, chomping and gorging, and furthermore is prepared to undergo breath-freshening surgery and charm-management therapy, is called the complex roaming werewolf; this last is also known as the antiwerewolf and even the werent-wolf. While the compound roaming werewolf is grudgingly tolerated but frequently picked on by the simple roaming werewolf, the werent-wolf is hated by all. This stark and often sudden alienation from the affections of the traditionally supportive community of urban roaming werewolves drives the werent-wolf to such an extreme pitch of confused identity that it actually seems to develop the need to be alone. There follows the development of the need to hide and the inception of the ability to possess the bodies of ordinary people like you and me. The process of possession returns the werent-wolf to the true werewolf state, with all its original appetites restored. Once this werewolf takes up residence inside us it is able to take advantage of our solitariness: one evening alone is not extraordinary for the average city dweller but for the roaming werewolf this is a nightmare of aloneness; yet for the werewolf-inside-the-city-dweller there is the possibility of adjusting. The city dweller's gestures and way of talking and outward appearance all remain the same - especially unchanged are the city dweller's habits - while the werewolf in its cramped quarters undergoes the maximum of discomfort: the cricks in its spine develop cricks of their own; after seven days and nights the spine itself is a single palpitating supercrick. To the same degree that the city dweller's habits are unaffected by the possession-by-werewolf, the werewolf's habits are also unaffected by its residency within the city dweller. That is to say, the werewolf within the city dweller is as distressed as ever by the experience of aloneity, as enticed as ever by the smell of fresh meat: only a kind of barrier has allowed itself to be erected in relation to the will of the werewolf, so that the functional energy at its disposal, once immediately ignited in the act of being, now appears, both concentrated and diluted, or concenluted, in the gnawing of knowing. It is possible to be alone, reasons the werewolf-in-residence, not because it is bearable, but because the city dweller is habituated to it, and the essential relationship of my residency within the city dweller is one of acquiescence to the motions of the city dweller's will. This acquiescence is itself the most successful weapon the werewolf-in-residence has in its bid for complete colonisation, because the will of the city dweller, having undergone and at present continuing to undergo its own process of concenlution in its relationship with the will of the city, is mostly a kind of penetrable sponge of acquiescent potential, drawing into itself what it must itself surrender to, effectively undergoing its own undergoing. The werewolf fists its way around, treading entrails, cranking its freezing supercrick into corrugated musculature. The city dweller alone experiences this new ice age: a flat monotone disquiet, a crackling panic and bewilderment; jagged glacial plates locking jaws like frozen gasps. The endpoint of this process is: the frozen werewolf expands in size; the human explodes; the new werewolf eats the bits of human matter adhering to the walls of its new den, checks out the night sky and returns immediately to the simple roaming life. This new roaming werewolf is taller, fatter and hairier; within seconds, it is capable of snoutfarting a stench of ninety thousand limbgsk. But this endpoint is rarely reached, otherwise we would have more new roaming werewolves among us than we do werewolves-in-residence, and this simply is not the case. What seems to happen is this: the city dweller experiencing the freezing is driven to find ways to relieve this sensation: being squeezed by other human beings, being lain upon, being sandwiched between, being vigorously manustuprated by mastigophoric irrumites, all manner of rubbing, blubbing, glugging and krunking, is enough to provide, say, two or three days' relief. Meanwhile the werewolf-in-residence is exasperated by the city dweller's show of resistance. Gone is the possessed one's reclusive routine of pious quietude and contemplative retirement, in its place a rampant grasping hysterical leisure. Following exasperation the werewolf-in-residence is prone to gagging on its own carelessly unventilated aura; this stress-related disorder, known as pervasive snoutfart syndrome, temporarily reverses the freezing of the supercrick and severely humiliates the werewolf-in-residence for at least a week. When the werewolf-in-residence regains strength the supercrick is doubly supercooled - to achieve this, the membranes periodically generated throughout the crick known as crickcracks actually shuttle between two highly unstable states, that of slab and that of flab, massively rigidifying stiffidity. Soon the city dweller re-experiences the freezing and again goes about the process of relief, then the werewolf-in-residence is again exasperated, pervaded and humiliated. This tug of war, also known as the war of tug, may last a very long time. Until one day the city dweller spits the remains of the frozen werewolf into the bathroom sink, a greyish brown globule of phlegm tasting of salt and rancid lard. Or, the werewolf spits the remains of the hollowed out city dweller into the bathroom sink, a pinkish ricotta clot which is mistaken for soap for weeks afterwards.

Bob plays guitar, sings and writes songs for "Shaft", rock 'n' roll legends to the nth degree. New Album, "Down at your Life", available now on Lil Chief Records. Buy five copies for your mother.

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